Enough to change everything, just to feel different from how you are feeling now?
I moved across the country, and the Irish Sea two months. I threw my whole life up into the air and said F*%k it! That’s how desperately I needed a change in my life.
I was feeling stuck, had been feeling that way for far too long and nothing was changing, nothing I tried worked and my health was getting worse and worse.
And now, I’ve been here eight weeks and everything has changed. But its not the location, although that was probably a catalyst. It was my mind, my energy and when I decided to change that, I finally found peace.
I trust that I will be taken care, that I will be lifted up because I’m following my soul and doing the work put in front of me. I feel this in my bones, deeper, into my heart, even deeper, into my spirit.
I feel switched on and connected in ways I haven’t felt in a long time. Before, I would have glimpses of this feeling, usually when I was writing, but now I feel it throughout the day when I tune into, listen and act according to divine guidance.
It might not be the inspiration to write, although it often is, sometimes I’m guided to take a walk, stay in bed late and read, sing along to Neil Diamond while tootling about in the car, talking to people everywhere, sharing who I am, caring about them. I feel more joyously alive than I’ve felt in years.
I’m ready to learn more, to be a vessel, to absorb wisdom and then share it as loudly, as fast as I can.
I’m more powerful than I’ve ever been before, simply because I’m not trying to be anything other than myself.
I spent my childhood having my natural exuberance and desire to play and be alight shut down by physical and verbal abuse. That shut off my ability to trust my own instincts, to love myself, to listen to my soul. to follow my heart and find the joy in living and in being myself.
I absorbed the information that I wasn’t worthy of joy, of love, of pleasure, of laughter, of life lived to the fullest of my possibility and potentiality.
When I looked at my mother and the other women I saw around me. I didn’t see pleasure, joy, expansiveness, life lived to its fullest for their own sakes.
No, their lives had been shut down too, given over to responsibility and obligation, taking care of everyone else, husband, children, parents. Taking care of everyone else with no thought given to their own needs, desires, passion.
No wonder I never wanted to be a wife and mother. To my child’s eyes, marriage looked like nothing more than drudgery and servitude, with a side helping of abuse. I wanted no part of it. And when true deep love was offered to me, I couldn’t recognise it and ran from it.
This awakening has been years in development for me, starting with first seeing a therapist twenty years ago. And learning nothing more than I was burying my rage and pretending to be okay. I found new ways to be insecure and fearful, and there was always a new therapy to try to help me fix myself.
Years of research into psychology, mental health, spirituality, quantum physics, new age therapies, eastern philosophy, old and new theories on life, humanity and the whole of the Universe.
I investigated every healing modality I came across and there were many of them and found all worked to some degree, but none ‘fixed’ me, the way I thought I needed. I still never felt free from my stress, anger, guilt, shame, I still was not whole.
And I finally came to hypnosis. I thought changing my subconscious patterns would change my life, this would heal me, fix me, make me feel whole, real, alive.
And it was okay, still didn’t get that magical ‘Poof!’ and now you’re free! moment. But I felt I was getting closer, hypnosis felt so good and it helped and it enable me to help others too. But the harder I tried, the further away the solution to the stress I was carrying with me felt and that stress was making me seriously physically ill.
Surely after all the work I’d done, something had to click. the shitty stuff I was carrying around had to fall away, and leave me feeling new again, reborn, restored, free from the unfairness, the unjustness, the unloving I had experienced as a child. Open to joy, peace, life and love.
I tried different hypnosis techniques, I studied the mind and hypnosis, worked with world famous teachers and still not quite there, still not enough to wash me clean of my past.
I found a new teacher, Martin Rothery, teaching a new method of hypnosis and soon I was talking directly to my subconscious in a way I’d never done before. And during the training I started to feel real shifts, this was it, the real deal.
And once training ended, I rolled up my sleeves and went to work. I started tearing down the walls of the house I lived in (metaphorically speaking). I rushed to use this amazingly responsive connection with my subconscious to remove all the parts of my psyche that offended me.
And disaster struck. And really, no wonder my mind reacted the way it did, it was simply self preservation. Christmas Day last year I was rushed to A&E with anaphylactic shock. A drastic reaction to a dessert I’d never been allergic to before. And January arrived and with it 3 severe asthmatic attacks.
Right, message received, no more direct dialogue with my subconscious. I was happy to leave my mind the hell alone. I was too ill, too weak and frankly too afraid of an adverse reaction to return to my destruction work. No more pulling apart limiting beliefs, unfounded certainties, lies that had become truth as I lived them without examination.
The wrecking ball had been consigned to dust.
And I kept feeling worse, mentally, physically, spiritually. I felt under the most amazing stress and pressure inside and out. I faced conflicts with neighbours, I got into screaming matches with strangers in the park where I walked Reilly and Amelia. I was spiralling out of control. Asthma getting worse daily, gaining weight, sinuses constantly inflamed, pain in my body, depression and anxiety hoovering at the edges of my desperation.
I knew I had to change, I had to make changes, had to do something as I was getting closer to dying every single day.
And so the straw broke the camel’s back! It seems fairly inconsequential, but at the time I felt like the sky had fallen in.
My bitch neighbour (and yes, I can still be combative here!), the one who’d been making anonymous malicious complaints about my dogs for years, stepped forward and complained in person to my landlord.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I was already sick with worry and walking on eggshells because of this monster. Every time the postman knocked on the door and the dogs barked, or when the dogs were out in the garden and playing and barking in excitement, or when the window cleaner came and they barked, I would go into a panic and shush them and worry about her reaction.
It really was the final straw. But what could I do? I decided to see this as a good thing and on my walk the next morning, just repeated over and over again, ‘this is good, this is good, this is good.’ And I then asked myself, ‘how is it good?’ and the solution came to me.
Move. Move house. Leave, Give in to her and get away. Just get away from her poisonous orbit. And what made moving easier was that my brother needed a house sitter, so I had a place I could go straight to, across the country. Well out of harm’s way.
I was leaving behind everything that had been holding me back, making me feel so ill. Leaving behind the debris of all I had tried and failed. Just go, press erase and restart.
What’s more, Martin had scheduled RPET and FREESPA training four weeks after my move. I’d be settled in the house by then and ready to revisit all I’d learned last year. What a great way to mark this new start, by refreshing the work that had given me such hope for myself and others.
Training happened exactly four weeks after I completed my move and I committed to it fully. 7 days of immersive, experiential training, loads of session work, giving and receiving the therapies almost daily.
And I gained so much, I healed so much, I released, I let go and I pulled all the parts of myself I’d been trying to demolish back together in a way that now fitted smoothly, easily, no more jagged pieces to cut myself on.
Every dreamscape, every inner journey showed me a new aspect of my healing, a deepening acceptance of myself, self forgiveness and a reaffirming of my right to live joyously, freely, safely, healthful and in abundance, free from the prison my old thoughts and beliefs had created.
And that work is ongoing, and deepening even more, because I’ve learn to listen to my intuitive self, to go even deeper and take guidance from my soul.
I’m not trying to force my mind to be what I think I want and need, what I thought it should be, as I did last year. Instead I work with my mind, my spirit, my soul to build a life that affirms who I am, from the inside out.
And that’s why I share this work with you. In my face to face and online one to one client work and in the group programmes I create. Because I know it leads to freedom, to making changes without having to move across the country. I hope you don’t wait until you are sick, tired, unhappy and unhealthy.
Change is actually easier than you think and gentle and compassionate too. Because you stop struggling with all the shit that means nothing and get to the important stuff, the stuff that really matters in building a life that supports and nurtures you.
Starting Monday Loving Yourself Comes First. My first online programme. I’m so excited and I’m going to be overdelivering so much! Registration open til End of Sunday.
Are you ready to reconnect to your deeper self, to be at peace within and without, guided by a knowing so deep, you always know exactly what to do, what is right for you.