Because life is always good, choose to see that

A few weeks ago I posted a really personal (aren’t they all!) piece about my Mum and her life.

I was really anxious about this piece because I knew it probably would not be received the way it was meant by certain people.

Because it was not about blaming anyone. It was not about casting judgement on what happened.

I wrote about her life to show how hard it had been for her and yet she never gave in to hatred, to bitterness. She never gave up on people and always hoped life would be good and tomorrow always held the promise of a better day. She loved people, even those who had hurt her.

But I knew some would not receive it as it was meant and so it was proved.

And it took me a while to sit with the shame and guilt I felt as well as resentment of those two feelings because I didn’t feel I deserved them

I have a right to tell my story. We all do.

I have a right to tell my Mum’s story.

And this lead me to think about how little we, as women, talk about the things that happen to us just because we are women. We stay silent, we suffer the shame and guilt of being a victim.

Witness Amber Heard and the dreadful bullying and misogyny she suffered daily on social mediaduring the circus of a showtrial between her and her ex husband.

Why are women silenced by other women as well as men?

I was in a conversation with some people before this all blew up and one woman was talking about her husband and how he got mad at her because she’d fallen in front of someone and was having difficulty getting up, and she imitated his closed fists and scowling face.

And none of us acknowledge the elephant in the room which was that we all knew he used to regularly beat her bloody. And she was laughing as though it was so funny that he was threatening her and maybe that was just me being super sensitive to violence, as I am. Maybe, this was perfectly normal but it didn’t feel normal to me.

My work involves so many different issues that people come to me with: addiction from so many different substances as well as processes like gambling and pornography.

But addiction is a symptom of a deeper problem, same as having the same relationship problem even when you’re with different people, or stuck in the same job even though you’re capable of more or constantly ending up broke no matter what amount of money you make. Or eating too much, constantly eating junk or always buying stuff you don’t need.

This is not the problem. Its a symptom of the real problem.

All of our issues, or almost all, lets say 97%, come from childhood issues. Things we learned in childhood about who we are, how we fit into the world and the relationships we can have and the success we can achieve.

Who did we learn this from? Experts? People who had achieved amazing things and were passing on their wisdom?

NO!

We learned from our parents and caregivers and guardians, grandparents, culture and society. Whatever they believed to be true about who they are, how they fit into the world and the kind of success they could achieve and the relationships they could have…all passed onto us. And some of them had seen little of the world and other cultures, knew less about psychology than a flea and frankly many didn’t care to know more or do better.

Generation after generation after generation.

Yes, now it gets a little bit better with every generation. People learn more about how to be good parents, to deal with their stuff and not pass it on. But generational change is slow.

Some brave souls decide to be the chain breaker. To be the people who will not pass on trauma and pain just because that’s how it always was.

Women especially have a lot of societal expectation and role modeling to overthrow. And we have the near constant threat of male violence, overt physical threat as well as coercive control.

Does that stop some from stepping up to be a change maker? Of course it does.

I realised the guilt and shamed being forced on me wasn’t mine. And I decided not to accept it. I see the world and the past differently to some others and THAT’S OKAY.

This is part of the work that we all do when we start on the path of self acceptance and self love. We cast off the false identities that we adopted to fit in, to be safe in environments where, for whatever reason, life did not feel safe for us to be ourselves, to show up as we truly are.

There are so many false identities to drop, so many untruths to uncover. And some people think this work is easy, or woowoo. Its fucking hard! And its real. The most real thing you can do ever.

We all hide behind patterns of behaviour, whether it be addiction or being the good girl.

You know what yours are.

And its okay to keep them, if that’s what you want, but know you can never be truly happy if you’re operating in a false identity.

But its not all doom and gloom. Getting to know yourself is empowering. Loving who you are and how you show up in the world and figuring out where you truly fit in is wonderful, because you’ll find like hearted souls on your journey who support and encourage you in all that you. People who will commiserate with you when those you have known since forever don’t get the changes you’re making or why you have to rock the boat.

And the peace in your own heart and mind is priceless.

Life is good. Things always work out for the best. You are on your unique journey and its up to you to choose the direction you travel.

Truth doesn’t hurt more than staying in a life of lies does. Truth sets you free.

You may say, ‘But why me? Why did I have to go through this?’

You might even be waiting for an acknowledgment of the hurt you’ve been through, an apology of some kind. Let me tell you now, its probably never going to happen.

You see your past one way, they see it another. They will never change to suit you, they may change on their own but that’s not something you can force on anyone else.

That’s tough for us to accept but that very acceptance is where you start to heal. Trust me, I just did a deep dive into this in the past few weeks.

When we accept how we feel, when we accept the hurt, the pain, the rage and the frustration that no-one else sees it the same way, when we learn to process our feelings instead of holding into them and nurturting them like a toxic hell hound, that bites the hand that feeds it, when we accept it miraculously loosens its hold on us.

Stress comes from living a life filled with what we think other people want from us.

Peace is a life where you please yourself.

Most of us live in a constant struggle for balance between the two.

Its always your choice.

Choose yourself. Its the only thing that will make you happy.

Love,

Cynthia xx