How do you know you’ve changed?

Well, I’m not sure how you’ll know, but I’ll tell you how I know I’ve changed. Even though everything probably looks the same to the outside eye, in the past two weeks everything has changed for me.

And I’m not talking about the fact that I’ve moved across the country, or that I’ve lost my darling companion Reilly, or that I’ve started going to the gym after years of illness and injury, or any other physical circumstance you can point to.

Everything’s changed because I decided it had to change. I had enough of struggling, enough of being unsure, scared, feeling not enough, and most especially enough of not being who I was put on this planet to be!

That switch in energy changed everything, simply because I decided. And I’m now feeling better than I’ve done in ages, years and years. Productivity has increased and that makes me feel great, creating always makes me feel amazing.

Life is happening to me, for me again instead of going on without me as I stand aside and watch. I am making connections in spirit, living in deeper alignment with what I need, who I want and need to be.

I know the shape, the texture, the essence of the thing I want to live into, to step into being and I hold the vision in front of me and step into it. I uplevel in all areas of my life automatically all the time and things keep getting better and better and better.

Its amazing how good life gets and how quickly once you allow it, open up to it. Life now happens through me, for me. Life is now and I’m done waiting. I’m all in, no hesitation, no fear, no holding back. I’m all in and I simply BE because I cannot be anything else anymore.

The masks drop away, the need for pretense and role playing no longer exists. All the anger and angst I was holding on to for so long has melted away, dissipated like mist in the morning sun.

Its longer there, like it never even existed and maybe it didn’t. Maybe that was simply a story I was telling myself, a story I used to excuse my hiding away from life.

I once wondered who I would be without the anger and pain that I held so tightly in my heart and soul. Now, I can’t even imagine what that feeling was. And in its place – peace, calm, renewal.

I know that everyone is always doing their best, the best they have at that moment to give. It’s all they have. Who the F am I to judge them for that?

They’re doing all they can from where they are and if they never see any other way of being? Never realise just how far they are from other people’s good enough? Well, that’s okay for them too.

We come onto this planet, naked and vulnerable, into the care of others, trusting that we will be cared for, looked after, loved.

And sometimes that sacred contract is broken and abused. And we grow up into hurt, bewildered, confused people not understanding why we didn’t receive the love we needed, why we were rejected, hurt, injured and left broken.

I now know its because they knew no better, they could do no better.

Does it excuse their behaviour? No. It simply explains why they weren’t good parents, good caregivers.

I look back at the years of feeling angry and hurt, full of righteous indignation and I’m bemused at how lost I was in that maelstrom of violent emotion, a current of malignity that battered me bloody for decades.

That’s not who I am now. And its not that I’ve forgiven (although I have), its just that it simply no longer matters. Its not part of my identity, not who I am any more and I have no interest in feeling those feelings, of reliving that past anymore. Its an old story, that’s all it is and it’s now worn out with all the retelling that was done, and I’ve no desire to repeat it ever again.

Maybe it helped form me, certainly it put me on the path of learning and healing, but it is no longer part of me. I am free from my past, just as I am free from expectations of my future. The only thing I have, the thing I need and it is everything is this moment. Right now.

What a cliche! Right? I know, I’m almost embarrassed to write it down and yet, it is what it is. There is nothing else, all the plans I make for how life will work when I have this and that and the other? No longer important and not even relevant.

What is relevant, what is important is putting pen to paper and doing my work, accessing the flow, dropping into super consciousness and creating, connecting and writing what comes through, sharing it unfiltered.

This is what I am here to do. Access, connect, share. However I do it, this is what I must do. Every single day.

I now have a vision and purpose for my day and it doesn’t go beyond this. It doesn’t matter if no-one reads this, although I know the right people will, and it doesn’t matter if millions read it. What matters is that I write it and share it with the world.

And I’ve been waiting to feel this connection my whole life, waiting for this sense of who I am and what I’m here to do. and its been with me the whole time, I just wouldn’t let myself feel it, hear it, BE it.

I’m learning again, learning to stop forcing, stop pushing, stop trying to impose deadlines and timetables. I sit down, I start, I write and keep writing until I access flow and the words come from wherever they come from though me and onto the page and I keep writing until I’m done.

This is my peace, this is my joy, accessing flow and writing. This is life as it should be for me. Alive in flow, connected, writing, enjoying the work and sharing it with you.

How could I not write when it feels so good? How could I bear to go a day and not connect? What point is there to my existence if I’m not serving, not sharing? This is who I came to be and it feels damn good to finally find myself.

And what does this have to do with you?

Nothing

Everything.

Are you fulfilled? Engaged? Living your best life? Maybe its time to stop pushing for more and drop into your heart and soul and see what’s there?

Stop looking for outside things to fix an inside problem.

Love

Cynthia xx

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