Are you ritualising your worries and dramas and giving your life away?

Worry beads! What a concept.

One I hate, in case it wasn’t obvious. 🙂

Imagine having a ritual, a habit of continually, regularly, almost religiously listing, remembering all your worries, fears, concerns and grievances.

Why?

Do you think that’s somehow going to help?

Do you think you’re going to forget them?

I have guests at home right now and the woman of the couple comes to me every day to list all the things her partner has done that demonstrate his thoughtlessness, with all the ways that he has hurt her feelings. And it’s not only what may have happened today. That kicks it off and then she adds in the everything from the past few weeks, months and even years, right back to the start of their four year relationship.

Depending on how badly he’s trespassed, anything from forgetting to put lemon in her tea to calling her by his ex’s name, the list will be long or short and delivered with increasing volume and intensity. It fluctuates according to her current state of disenchantment.

And all I can think is how horrible this is for both of them, because they do care about each other but they lurch from one ‘incident’ to the next.

For him, he’s constantly being castigated for past thoughtlessness and mistakes, and no matter what he does now, he can never changed how he behaved in the past.

And she’s making herself miserable every day by bringing out all these remembrances, the slights that were hurtful when they happened and she keeps slashing herself with them. Ignoring all the ways he shows how important she is to him right now, in this present moment.

Why would anyone torture themselves like this?

The first pillar of my message is ‘Loving Yourself Comes First.’ And in this kind of relationship, neither are being very loving to themselves, never mind each other.

My first instinct, as I’m sure many people would, is to walk away. Finish it, end the misery for both parties. And I know they finish and come back regularly. There is love there and a desire to make it work.

On deeper reflection the answer is obvious. Deal with the problems when they arise and then let it go.

And instead of a litany of complaint, start repeating a list of kindnesses, of joy, of thoughtfulness and generosity.

Imagine how quickly that relationship would change. Instantly, both would be happier. There would be oceans less stress, less resentment, less headbutting (metaphorically!)

And that discipline of thinking of the good, shining a light on what we want more of rather than focusing on the shitty aspects of life changes how we feel about everything. It changes how we feel about our work, our colleagues, our family, our relationships, our money and most importantly, it changes show we feel about ourselves.

This is the most important aspect of creating change in your life.

When you try to do it from a place of stress, highlighting what’s wrong, focusing on the irritant whatever it is, you put yourself into a hyper-aroused state, you’ve switched on the parasympathetic nervous system, meaning you’re stuck in the flight/fight state.

And you cannot think when you’re in that state, thinking has been switched off. Instead you just react to whatever you see and feel.

Nothing good comes from this unless you really are in a life or death situation and need to flee or hide to save yourself.

By focusing on what you want, imagining the changes as already happened, done and living happily with that as your reality; you stay calm, able to think clearly and creatively, using your imagination as a bridge from where you were to where you want to be.

And as an added bonus, you’re happier, more relaxed and able to cope with whatever life brings for you.

As for my guests? People never listen to the in-house therapist and I don’t want to analyse and therapise people when I’m not working. If they ask, I’ll advise. Otherwise, I stay out of other people’s business.

Minding my own business is a policy that has served me well.

So, today, when you’re tempted to pull out your worry beads – again, metaphorically – instead switch to happy pebbles 🙂

Love,

Cynthia xx

PS. Below you’ll learn more about how I can support you in your healing journey.

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