Being stuck in your mindset can feel like being buried alive

I used to love watching CSI, the original series set in Las Vegas that started way back in 2000. Jeez, can you believe that!

I never was really interested in the Miami version nor New York and never watched any of them after 2007 or so, according to Wikipedia the franchise ran until 2016. So I missed a lot, not that I care much.

Isn’t it funny, tv series we get sucked into and don’t want to miss an episode of, and we talk about with friends and several year later, who cares?

Anyway, one of the plot lines I remember, in fact the only one, is where one of the main characters, whose name I don’t remember right now, it will annoyingly pop into my head later but regardless, this one guy was buried alive with a live camera feed so his colleagues could watch him panic and struggle and then acquiesce to his circumstances and give up, prepared to die there.

And this came to mind for me after a week of struggling with feeling sad and low. I spent the week wanting to get on with my work, wanting to write the next chapter in my book, wanting to record a new audio program, wanting to create, produce, be present.

Instead I spent the week checked out mentally and emotionally, numbing myself with a very similar experience to binge watching CSI on Channel 5 back in the day.

Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? A week or two sitting on the sofa, watching tv barely keeping up appearances?

And maybe if I had just said, right I’m going to give myself time to grieve, time to wallow in my feelings and be sad and angry and all the other feelings that come up, great? But I was numbing myself from my feelings and also beating myself up for it. Creating a real toxic stew of stress, anxiety, anger and self criticism

There were many reasons for this but essentially I had checked out because I was mentally and emotionally back in my childhood and wanting to hide from punishment, criticism, bullying and judgement and being found lacking.

During that week, the part of me  that I like to live from, the happy, positive, confident me who loves her work had been buried alive, just like that CSI character. I could picture her in my mind, in a glass box, banging on the walls, begging me to switch off the tv and go write something or meditate. Begging to stop eating crappy foods. Begging me to get out of bed early instead of surfing online for hours.

I relived those same conversations with myself over and over and ruminating like that is a downward spiral into anxiety and depression. That’s self hypnosis used against oneself.

Why am I telling you this? Aren’t I supposed to be helping you solve your issues, not sharing mine?

Well, first of all, I’m human. We all suffer setbacks and disappointments and sometimes we fall into old patterns and it takes a while to pull ourselves out of it.

Two. I didn’t do it alone. My long time therapist was there to help me pull myself through the void I’d gotten sucked into.

Three. I embrace every opportunity to heal at a deeper level and that’s what this was, an invitation to go deeper into old wounds and clear out, clean up even more of that old thought pattern and move forward again. Lighter. Freer. Happier.

When you start on a journey of self healing, whether its pain point is addiction, depression, anxiety, weight and body issues, anger and emotional lack of control, phobias, anything, everything…

They all come from the same place – within you.

And that’s where your healing starts – within you.

And there will always be another invitation show up in your life, and you may fall back into old habits that don’t serve you.

The work is always to recognise the pattern and help yourself step out of it, using whatever tools necessary.

And then you get to heal deeper.

And that makes it worthwhile.

I recognise the trigger point for me in this last episode and its made me want to rethink my business, redesign how I connect and work with people. In groups, in person and simply showing up in a bigger way.

So, I’m going to be working with a coach as well as my therapist to build a business that works for you and me.

I will still be available for some work so please reach out if you need support to dig out your own buried captive self. You deserve to live your best life. We all do.

Don’t get stuck in that toxic stew of guilt and blame and shame and fear. Because here’s something I know to be true. If you don’t leave your comfort zone, you will NEVER leave your comfort zone.

Free yourself.

Love,

Cynthia xx