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anxiety, Change for Life, Healing Inner Child, Healing Pain, I am enough, Inner Child, Kindness and Compassion, Self Belief, Self Compassion, Self Confidence
Looking back serves a useful purpose if you do it as conscious enquiry
04
Apr
Apr
Self Reflection – its an important part of the growth process but it needs to be done with compassion and curiousity not condemnation.
Because you can have an interaction that challenged you or left you feel triggered and come out of it thinking, damn it, I should have said that, and why do I do that, aargh!
Or, you can choose gentle compassion, why did I make that choice, what’s the deeper reason for that? Where do I still need to heal?
For example, I had a conversation with a family member who I love very much but who is incendiary, they go off in an explosive manner if they feel in any way slighted and I learned throughout my life to step gingerly around them.
And we were talking about hair. I complimented hers, even though it was less than lovely at that moment and she looked at mine and went, ‘and you’re doing what with this?’
And I went all, ‘oh you know, grew out the colour, the grey can be a bit dull sometimes’ – even though I love my grey hair (mostly).
And today on reflection I realised I was doing that thing of keeping myself small so as to not to stand out, I was hiding my joy in my hair and appearance – and at that time I was washed, made up and groomed so you know – looking good but I fawned.
Fawning is a self survival strategy, part of a toolkit people who grow up in chaotic and violent homes learn. Its the appeasement of the volatile person and self abasement. Think ‘Oh you’re so shiny and sparkly and I’m just a dull little old thing.’
You might think it was just a conversation about hair but as I reflected on it, I saw how I was still playing small in my interactions with this person.
That needs more time and reflection as to why I react in that way with that particular person still now.
like I say in almost everything I do, there are depths and degrees to healing and cycles of growth. We go through and review similar seeming issues time after time because we are constantly cleaning up the mess of what we learned in childhood and inherited from ancestral and cultural traits.
The most important part of life is getting to know yourself and refusing to carry the weight of other people’s prejudices and biases. Learn who you are.
Part of that is noticing how you behave in certain situations. What are you like with people with whom you feel fully loved and supported? How does that change with people you feel the need to impress? And how does it alter when you feel stressed and under scrutiny?
Self Reflection with kindness and curiosity. Why did I make that choice? What does that reveal about me in relation to this person/event?
Because until you know yourself, you can’t be true to yourself.
Love,
Cynthia xx
Or, you can choose gentle compassion, why did I make that choice, what’s the deeper reason for that? Where do I still need to heal?
For example, I had a conversation with a family member who I love very much but who is incendiary, they go off in an explosive manner if they feel in any way slighted and I learned throughout my life to step gingerly around them.
And we were talking about hair. I complimented hers, even though it was less than lovely at that moment and she looked at mine and went, ‘and you’re doing what with this?’
And I went all, ‘oh you know, grew out the colour, the grey can be a bit dull sometimes’ – even though I love my grey hair (mostly).
And today on reflection I realised I was doing that thing of keeping myself small so as to not to stand out, I was hiding my joy in my hair and appearance – and at that time I was washed, made up and groomed so you know – looking good but I fawned.
Fawning is a self survival strategy, part of a toolkit people who grow up in chaotic and violent homes learn. Its the appeasement of the volatile person and self abasement. Think ‘Oh you’re so shiny and sparkly and I’m just a dull little old thing.’
You might think it was just a conversation about hair but as I reflected on it, I saw how I was still playing small in my interactions with this person.
That needs more time and reflection as to why I react in that way with that particular person still now.
like I say in almost everything I do, there are depths and degrees to healing and cycles of growth. We go through and review similar seeming issues time after time because we are constantly cleaning up the mess of what we learned in childhood and inherited from ancestral and cultural traits.
The most important part of life is getting to know yourself and refusing to carry the weight of other people’s prejudices and biases. Learn who you are.
Part of that is noticing how you behave in certain situations. What are you like with people with whom you feel fully loved and supported? How does that change with people you feel the need to impress? And how does it alter when you feel stressed and under scrutiny?
Self Reflection with kindness and curiosity. Why did I make that choice? What does that reveal about me in relation to this person/event?
Because until you know yourself, you can’t be true to yourself.
Love,
Cynthia xx
