I was stopped in my tracks by a couple of things I’ve read recently that felt so pertinent for where I am right now.

And where I am right now is struggling with life. Everything feels hard, wrong, off. I feel like I’m struggling in quicksand, doing all I can to move forward and yet I’m still stuck, wriggling like a worm on the hook.

Why?

Haven’t I worked hard enough?

Haven’t I been a nice person?

Haven’t I put up with other people’s sh!t and not complained?

Maybe I should be complaining, maybe that’s the answer. I don’t know anymore.

I feel like I’m running round in circles and just want it to STOP.

Actually, what I want is to be through the next few months  and be on the other side of whatever this is.

For things to have worked out and for me to be living my ideal life as my best self.

To be there now.

Not here. Not in the grind and the messiness and the ugliness and the don’t know if this will work and what if it doesn’t, what if it does, what if I run out of time or money or ideas or the energy and grit I need to keep going?

What if I just stop?

Oh, that idea is so seductive isn’t it?

Just stop. Stop trying so hard to make the business work, to make my life work.

What would happen if I stop? If I stop trying so hard and just was me?

I don’t know what that looks like anymore. Who the fuck am I these days?

What’s important. Start there. What’s important to me?

My health – but I’m not taking care of it, I’m not following the protocols my BodyWork practitioner laid out for me. I’m not eating the way my herbalist and naturopath told me too. I’m not drinking enough water. I’m not getting enough sleep or exercise. My walks with Amelia are slow amiable ambles round the pond and that doesn’t deliver my body’s required stretching and movement needs.

My work – Is my work getting my best focus? It’s getting a lot of my focus but is it best placed to help me? I’ve just signed up for a new coaching training so that should help me get clear with this one. But right now? Take stock on where I’m spending my time, is it delivering the results I want?

My family – This one is tough right now as my home is being shared with my brother and we are at loggerheads. How to resolve it? One of us needs to move out. Probably me as he and his girlfriend don’t seem to feel as boxed in and put upon as I do. Which brings me back to my work achieving more to help me move on.

My freedom – I don’t feel I have the ability to be myself at home right now because of the ‘invaders.’ This is wearing on me, and makes me feel constrained and on edge all the time.

My Safety – Freedom and safety are my two core personal values, I need to feel safe to enable me to be free. and currently, I don’t feel safe in my home. I’m tense and stressed all the time. Which is creating problems for my health, which as detailed above means I’m not sleeping. My body is tight and I’m always on edge.

What else is important to me? Living a life that matters.

And because I feel that I don’t matter right now, how could I possibly be living a life that matters?

Life is not fair and its often tough. If we can get through the hard times, the good times will feel even better.

How do we do that?

By remembering we matter, that our life matters and we deserve to get our needs met, just as others do.

And sometimes that means we have to do hard things.

Something I write in my journal is ‘I do the hard things first and I get better at life and life gets better and better.’

And I believe that. When we face up to whatever darkness is threatening to swamp us, when we turn around and say, ‘This is not alright, here is what I need.’ Then we create change.

Its important not to paint ourselves into a corner, in not thinking change will happen in only one way. There are many different possibilities and we won’t see too many of them because we can’t, we are stressed and only human.

For me, I’ve been focused on creating more income so I can move to a different place, a much bigger, more aspirational place. And I’m still holding steady to that, but my friend and next door neighbour just told me about a cute one bed apartment not far from where I live right now that would be an ideal staging post from here to the ultimate and hopefully final house I move to.

I also have to do what I can to create space for me to live reasonably in the house I am in right now. This is where one of my heroine’s Ruth Bader Ginsberg has given me courage, in her quote…

Speak Your Mind Even If Your Voice Shakes

I also recognise what matters to me and I refuse to allow anything to derail my focus and attention from that. As above, my health and my work.

And that simply means recognising that, all things considered, I’m still living in a comfortable position, albeit with unfriendly housemates.

I have all my needs met; food, clean water, shelter, electricity and wifi 😉

It’s up to me to create the space for the upleveling of my life to occur. To do that, I have to hold fast to my vision. Practise my RWID mantra, visualise, meditate, take care of myself and have faith.

Take stock of what matters to you. Take care of those things and hold fast to your vision and the feelings you want to feel.

The second quote comes from Mariah Carey’s new memoir, I was astounded when I opened the pages because this was exactly what I needed…

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things yet unseen.

Hebrews 11:1

This bolstered my confidence in my belief that I can create change in my world. I have to find the courage to hold to my vision. I have to have faith.

And in a beautiful coincidence, Faith is one of the words in my RWID mantra. 

Because as I say, building a life that matters starts by recognising you matter.

And at first, as usual I took this to mean to other people, to the outside world. But it always starts within.

I’d forgotten. But I’ve remembered now.

I have to recognise that I matter. I have to live choosing to take care of myself because it matters to me.

I matter.

This is the inner game. Reminding ourselves of the truth which we already know. I matter. You matter.

We always did. No matter what we learned as children. We matter.

Faith. Holding the vision of your life and repeating your RWID mantra to inspire you to keep going, stay strong in your faith and you change and life changes.

Hope and Faith. When these are combined with disciplined action, we change our worlds.

Love,

Cynthia xx

PS.

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Change For Life