Not being good enough. That’s the lie, the core limiting belief that resonates most strongly with me, but for you it might be that you’re stupid, that you don’t matter and are of no consequence, or that you’re bad, useless, worthless and no good at all to anyone or for anything. And it could be all of these, a combination or something else that leaves you feeling disempowered and unhappy.
Its all fucking horrible isn’t it?
And we gain these crippling, horrid beliefs about ourselves when we are at our most vulnerable and usually from the people who we should have been able to reply on the most to love us, protect us from harm, the care givers who should have told us just how special and brilliant and amazing we truly are.
Because you are, we all are.
I used to be able to rhyme off stories about my Father, it was mostly him, I wouldn’t talk about my Mum in the same way, although she wouldn’t have won any parenting awards either.
There was the time when I was eight when he took off his think red leather belt,a belt he wear to this fucking day! And he whipped me until I had welts running up and down both legs.
And the time when I was eighteen and he called me a whore and a prostitute because I’d stayed out late with my first boyfriend, I was still a naive virgin, and he started beating the living daylights out of me. It was so bad my Mum thought he was going to kill me and she and my older brother dragged him off me. I was curled up in a ball just taking the blows wherever they landed on my body.
And then there was the time, not long after that last incident, when he left the family to run off with a woman just a few years older than me. And my Mother, who couldn’t/didn’t want to live without him got me to call him at his work and ask him to come home and he said he just didn’t love me/us anymore.
And then when I was about 34 and should have known better, I flew him to my new home in England and took him into my beautiful work building, introduced him to my team who all told him what an incredible boss I was, and my own boss and the other directors came to meet him and tell him how great I was and as we walked out to the car, he turned to me and told me how disappointed he was in me because I was the biggest girl my age in the building. I was a UK size 12.
And there are others, all these stories I polished and honed in the retelling and I even made a joke out of it, you think your parents were bad, wait til you here this! And of course, there are plenty of people who had it far worse but I made it clear how bad I had it.
And I held onto it all. The pain, the anger, the powerless. I still felt it all. It lived inside of me and ate away at me. And of course, every time I retold it, I was looking for sympathy, ‘Poor you, how awful.’ I made my freakish childhood an anecdote to win attention.
How could I have a happy productive life, be confident and carefree when I was still reliving every awful moment of my childhood when I was berated, beaten and abused? And doing so over and over and over.
And I use it as an excuse. This was why I couldn’t have a successful relationship, why I was afraid of commitment. This was why I was so driven, so demanding and critical of myself and why I set such high standards for those working with me.
This was why I walked away from my dream job, the job I’d always wanted because I never felt good enough. I felt an impostor, always waiting to be escorted to the door, my fraud revealed and told never to come back.
Yes, my father did the original damage but I reinforced it at every opportunity and my beliefs compounded it. It was my constant reliving of the physical, mental and emotional abuse of my childhood that cause me stress, anxiety and feeling I would never be good enough for anyone to love, that I’d never amount to much.
I had such a victim mentality I used to think ‘Ha, wait til I get cancer and that’ll show them. Then he’ll be sorry.’
Seriously! Who wishes such a thing for themselves just to prove a point to someone? And yet, I did. And I know I’m not alone in that.
What do you do to get over that? What did I do?
Well, I’m not going to tell you to forgive because if you’re where I was then that’ll just make you madder than hell and frustrated as f*ck. Nah, not going to forgive that sh!t, right? That’s far too much to forgive.
After all, these are the people that brought us into the world and they’re supposed to love and protect us like its their only mission in life.
But I wanted the poison out of my life and I spent years looking at how.
And first, like most of us, I looked at my current situation, the circumstances I was living in that I desperately wanted to change – no relationship, sh!tty job, poor health, angry all the time, miserable and unhappy and using unhealthy crutches like food and alcohol to get by.
And I tried to fix all those things but couldn’t get all of it right, and it wouldn’t stick or it would work for a little while but it would never stick for long at all.
It wasn’t til I started doing the deep work, the childhood stuff and the inner child reconciliation that I started to find peace.
It took me ages, with tapping/EFT, hypnotherapy, physical therapy, honoponopono, journaling and so much more. It took a whole life approach that included taking care of myself and volunteering to care for others.
And eventually peace came and more than peace, acceptance. Peace with the past, acceptance of what had been and what it had made of me. Because it made me who I am now, and I love the person I am now, I really love myself.
From there, once I found acceptance I could change. I’m no-one’s victim anymore. And my Dad and I have a newly reconciled, tentative relationship that I value very much.
All those events happened, but they stay in the past and I rarely remember them anymore, it was only because a friend was recounting something similar that it came back to me.
As for my Dad, I think about the man who did that to his children, and I think about his inability to express softness, kindness, love and my heart breaks for him because what did he go through to make him like that?
I truly believe we’re all doing the best we can in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. The world would be too horrible a place to think otherwise. Some people’s best is truly pitiful, and that’s not excusing whatever they do, they literally can’t do any better. That’s all they know how to do. That’s it, their best.
So if you’re currently in an abusive situation, don’t think its going to get better, that they’ll get better. They won’t. Not unless they acknowledge they have a problem and seek help. Its as good as it gets right now, so get help for yourself and get out fast as you can.
And if you’re currently realising your best isn’t good enough, do something about it. Get the help you need, and when you know better, do better.
And if you’re recovering from an abusive childhood, know that everything you were told and shown by those people isn’t true. You are worthy and valuable and amazing. Be everything you needed back then now, give yourself all the love and praise and encouragement and support you didn’t get. Be everything you know in your heart you can be, you were meant to be.
There’s no-one in your way except ghosts. Your beliefs might feel like truth but they are lies. When you feel contracted, constricted, closed down, made small – that’s all lies. Open up, expand your body and your consciousness, take up your space, claim it, own it. Step up into being the best version of you that you know you were always made for.
Love and trust life, because life loves you. Love and trust yourself. I see you and I know you’re amazing.
PS. If you’ve suffered with something all your life, if you’ve fought weight issues, depression, anxiety, addiction, or simply a feeling of general dissatifaction with how your life is unfolding for you, and you feel like you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. It’s natural to feel that a solution is almost impossible.
That’s part of what keeps the problem in place.
But real lasting change is possible.
Think how it would feel achieving your goals with far less resistance, whether it’s dropping excess weight, gaining freedom from depression and anxiety, being a rockstar in your business or career, or excelling in your personal relationships. You can do it, you have no fears about staying stuck and not moving forward anymore.
See yourself fully present and grounded, living with total fulfillment and satisfaction with how life is unfolding for you, with no regrets, as you carve your own path forward, moving forward always forward, no looking back .
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