We just do the things we do, don’t we?
Something happens and we react and that’s it. Nothing more to it.
in the same circumstance, some people react very differently from others.
Some people look at some disaster or emergency in their life and think that its all over, the sky has finally fallen in and once again, they’re going to be picking up the pieces.
And yet others, in the face of an event of equal or even worse circumstance, look it in the eye and see opportunity to learn and grow, to share an experience and create something from it.
Its a learned behaviour. We run programs and we have little control over it because most of the time we’re not even aware we have a choice to behave differently.
And sometimes the behaviour, the identity we adopt is wholesome seeming and good. But there’s a shadow side to it.
And for me that behaviour is being good. I know, what could possibly be wrong with being a good person?
I didn’t think there was anything wrong with being good. Being nice, a ‘do-gooder’ is a good thing. Except last week I had a sudden awareness of my thinking.
If you’re following me on Facebook, (and if not, come on, why not?, you’ll love it https://www.facebook.com/cynthia.curry.12 ), if you are on my page you’ll know that I share a daily ‘Nature and Nurture’ video showing me feeding the swans, ducks, robins and Mr Rat. And I was walking back, feeling very ‘Lady Bountiful,’ look at me, I’m feeding these birds and animals and I’m just such a good person.
And I noticed a thought in the background. It was ‘The Universe must see how good I am and rain down good things for me.’
Hmmm, I wasn’t being good for the sake of being good. I was being good so that I would get something in return.
Then I was reading William Whitecloud’s amazing book ‘Secrets of Natural Success’ and he was describing The Enneagram personality typing and the very first one he started with was ‘The Helper’ who’s core belief is I’m not worthy.
People with this belief make the assumption that they ‘can’t express or go for what they want because they are not worthy. Once they’ve done enough to be good then they will be given what they want.’
And the compensating behavioural strategy is to be a good person, helping others and putting them first.
The really interesting part is the personality profile. It states these people are caring and sociable, who behave how they assume others want them to. They find it difficult to know their own mind and are possessive and manipulative because they help in the unconscious expectation that it will lead them to be given what they want.
And that tied with my observation of my thinking last week came together in an ‘aha’ moment for me.
I like being thought of as a good person. Its an identity i am comfortable with and probably am a bit pompous and full of myself about it. ‘Look at me being so kind, compassionate and good, even in the face of extreme provocation.’
I know I’ve thought and felt that, and even had a horrible sense of being a better person than the people being assholes around me. I’m thinking of one person specifically in the past year who gave me the perfect example of this. And yes, I was being super nice to that person in the expectation that they would reciprocate.
Manipulative AF, right?
And also a wasteful, pitiful strategy to go through life instead of simply asking for what you want.
I don’t know what not being like this looks like for me but I’m open to discovering it. That’s what I spent this morning meditating and journaling on – what does me doing good for its own sake look like and feel like? And what does me asking for what I want look and feel like?
Recovery from maladaptive behaviour patterns is an ongoing process. We always uncover something we need to clear up if we want to show up more authentically, to be more fully present as ourselves and not as stories we run.
Every day is a learning day. The possibilities to discover new things about ourselves is endless.
Who are you really?
I once would have said I was a nice person, a do-gooder. Now I’m not so sure. I can still be a good person but only if it comes from a genuine impulse to do good, to be kind. Not because I’m expecting something in return.
And yes, it was an subconscious pattern before. But now I’m aware of it. I have choices. To be genuine or continue to give my power away and be passive aggressively nice.
I choose to take my power back and to stop and question my impulse to be nice. Is it genuine or am I wanting something and afraid to ask.
It’s time to woman up and ask for what I want. Because I deserve that and so does the world.
I’m creating a monthly group program where people come together twice a week to grow, share, learn, laugh, cry, support and be supported. There will be a teaching session one day and a Q&A another, plus email. text and group support.
I’m looking to launch within the next few weeks, although this will be a closed door group, anyone can join initially. The group’s aim is to create a culture of healthy, happy people who understand their mental, emotional and physical needs and honour and respect themselves, setting boundaries for themselves and others, developing strategies that every day set the stage for living a well-lived life. I truly think I can serve more people better in this way.
I have not even written the sales page foe this or created a link, but if you’re interested, let me know down below by commenting on this post. And I’ll get in touch. Group work is going to be so cool, everyone helps everyone heal, the whole vibe of the group raises us all up.
I’ve been in a lot of groups to learn, experience for myself and take what I need to create my own. I am so excited about this project, stay tuned for more. And remember if you want to be in it and get an exclusive offer that’s only for my people, my current connections, comment below.