How do I self sabotage? Let me count the ways

First and foremost, my biggest area of self sabotage and it may be yours too, is by undermining my health.

This is critical because my body is my vehicle to travel through this life. Its the only one I get and I torture it. I disrespect it in so many ways.

I always find ways to negate my desire for a healthy, fit, lean, sexy, vital body through eating too much, not getting enough sleep. not taking my medication, not giving my body what it needs in terms of hydration, nutrition, rest and relaxation, exercise and movement.

I had some great work related news yesterday and after I had celebrated with friends I fell into an old pattern of eating too much, drinking to celebrate and stayed up late. Aware of what I was doing and not being happy about it but unwilling to stop myself and with no idea of why I was behaving this way.

It was only as I reflected back on it this morning that I realised where that compulsive unhealthy behaviour came from. Because after the euphoria of celebration, I swiftly detoured into a morass of self hatred. And I recognised the pattern, its one I’ve had throughout my life and its one many people have.

The ‘Who am I to have this great thing happen for me?’, a sense of undeserving of this accolade, regardless of how hard I worked to deserve it.

And as I sat with my journal this morning reflecting on the compulsive overeating, I tied it into the success for the first time. I sat with stunned awareness. Its all about that old nugget ‘I’m not good enough,’

And the ‘I’m not good enough’ mindset starts with my body and ends with it.

Doesn’t matter if I’m thinking about my work, my relationships, how I show up in the world.

Because my body is my vehicle to travel through my life, its the physical manifestation of my self, its what other people think of when they think of me, and I’m disrespecting it. I’m careless, clumsy and neglectful of it.

I can see this in how I treat my belongings too. Especially when I was younger and less self aware. I don’t take good care of things. I can be thoughtless and bullheaded and rough. I plough on regardless of whether I’m breaking something, I’ll go over and through things rather than slow down and evaluate a safer, less destructive way to get  done whatever I’m attempting.

And if something gets lost or broken? Then there’s lots of self recrimination, why can’t I stop and think first before reacting. Why didn’t I stop before I broke it? Too bad, I’ll just have to live with the broken pieces, another way to punish myself. Like that’s all I deserve, to live with broken things, cracked, chipped, beyond repair or even lost forever.

And I’ll go through life incurring great expense in repairing my things, my car, picture frames, china, anything and everything.

Surely both I and my belongings deserve better? And of course, intellectually I say yes, indeed I do. Emotionally, I say yes, mentally I say yes. But physically, I’m not saying yes. My body is my battleground. This has been my experience for most of my life.

Isn’t it now time to heal this? ? To finally say enough. To say I deserve better, I am worth more.

Because this damage, this harm I inflict on my body affects every other aspect of my life just as every other area of my life impacts my body and how I think about it.

Here I am stepping up on a bigger stage in my work, but not wanting to do it because I feel my body isn’t good enough.

I have to say this again. My body is the only vehicle I have to move through this life. Its the container I use to show up in the world.

And I’m showing up battered, bruised, uncared for, unhealthy, overweight and like an old car, I’m breaking down.

And my abused body does the best it can with all the sh!t I feed it. It does its best even though its needs are not getting met.

What do I do?

Firstly, I celebrate the awareness I now have of this pattern of behaviour. Now that I have brought it into the light, and I see it I can make different choices, I can decide to do better.

What do I do? I treat my body like a friend or family member recovering from illness.

Do I make sure my dogs eat good food and keep all junk food out of their diet? Yes, of course.

Do I make sure they take their medicine as prescribed? Yes, of course.

Do I make sure they get their daily exercise? Yes, of course.

If they needed specialist exercises, food or medication, would I make sure its available to them? Of course, yes.

I need to care for my body’s needs as if it was someone else’s, if that’s what it takes to get me to step up to this responsibility.

It seems I won’t do it for me. However, if I care for my body as if it is a priceless beloved being that belongs to someone else, then I will start to value it more and that care will increase my self worth and sense of personal value.

We can all self-sabotage in many areas of life. Work, relationships, finances, love, but our health, physical and mental is the most important one because everything we want in life hinges on being able to live and enjoy it all.

We can’t enjoy life’s experiences if we are unwell.

I can’t enjoy my life’s triumphs while feeling lumpy, unfit and with a sense of dissatisfaction in how I look and feel.

This is where self sabotage starts and stops. With the area of life that impacts you the most and awareness of how you self sabotage and why. What makes you pull yourself down?

And for you, at this moment, it might be something other than your body. Start where you feel the most pain.

The thing is, you have to get past your discomfort to observe the habits of self destruction. Because until you have that awareness, you can’t change. You don’t know what it is you need to change to get something showing up that is better, to get to what you actually want.

Heal the worst first. Everything else flows from there.

For me, heal the body, heal my life.

And for you, remember to take care of yourself from head to toe, body, mind and soul.

I wish you good things.

Love,

Cynthia xx

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