I’m currently in a bit of a sitch with a family member, and it encompasses some murky, contradictory territory. For me, being bullied, feeling taken advantage of and yet feeling like I have an obligation to them.
And that’s something I’ve felt since childhood. And I recognise this same pattern of feelings and situations have kept repeating over and over again in all ages of my life.
This happens to us all. We keep recreating the same dynamic, the same problems, due to upbringing and ingrained programming, and much of the time we aren’t even aware it’s the same damn thing.
Some people never become aware, but if you practise self exploration, then sooner or later you’ll uncover your patterns one by one.
And once you’ve seen it, you can change it. You can heal it, heal yourself. Break the pattern and move onwards, upwards.
This pattern of mine is similar for many people. The core belief underneath it is that I’m supposed to put everybody else first, my needs don’t matter, I’m not allowed to ask for my needs to be met, my needs aren’t important.
And how this plays out is that through my people pleasing behaviour I never get to experience the lack of my needs because I’m so busy looking after everyone else and making sure they are all happy.
But eventually, when I’m pushed into a corner, or rather when I’ve backed myself into a corner I start to feel aggrieved, hard done by, put upon and taken advantage of and then I get resentful and passive aggressive and then I erupt in anger and all that suppressed feeling comes out in a rush and the other person is left wondering WTF happened!
And I finally saw that pattern of behaviour clearly in this current situation and eventually uncovered the beliefs underneath. I’m not allowed to ask for my needs to be met, my needs are unimportant.
And that’s good. Because now rather than erupting in a rage that would catastrophically impact family relationships, (which are never good to begin with!), I am instead able to work on that core belief.
Allowing yourself to acknowledge your needs and to ask for them to be met is a normal human right. We are all equal in our rights to have our needs met, it just would appear in this unfair world that some have that right more than others.
But no-one has any more right than you to acknowledge their needs and ask for them to be met.
And simply allowing yourself to state your needs and ask for them to be met is a huge step forward in personal development.
My throat would close up, I’d choke up with tears when I was faced with this situation in the past. Probably because I’d been pushed into a corner by thoughtless, inconsiderate behaviour and I’d be choking on righteous indignation as well as my ‘good girl guilt.’
Guilt because who was I to ask for my needs to be met. How dare I?
Well now I know I don’t have to dare anything at all. It’s my right. Just as it is yours.
I grew up in a household where women did all the household chores, even thought I had two brothers, they never had to life a finger in the house. I remember remonstrating with my Mum and being told, quite seriously, ‘They’re boys, they don’t do this, its women’s work.’
And even now, I find myself acting as an unpaid servant when my brother comes to stay. And what’s worse, he falls into his childhood role of not even seeing the work that goes into keeping the house clean, tidy and welcoming.
Guilt and unresolved, childhood beliefs will stop you moving forward. It’s impossible to build the life you want when that is the basis of a highly charged pattern of thought and behaviour in your subconscious.
How can I build the worldwide coaching and therapy business I have ambitions for when I’m unable to ask for my needs to be met? How can I write the books I have teeming in my mind when I don’t believe my needs are important enough?
The emotional blocks need to be cleared to enable us to take action. Guilt and not being allowed to ask for my needs to be met and feeling my needs were not important was a massive paralysing force in my life that kept me stuck and afraid.
And kept me repeating patterns of people pleasing, self abasement followed by conflict and indignation. When I closed my eyes and tuned into my inner wisdom and asked how high these feelings and beliefs were on a scale of 1-10, I was hitting a high 10.
No wonder I felt stuck and unable to make things happen for me. No wonder I kept acting like a doormat and getting walked over.
Today I started releasing those long held, damaging beliefs, fears and patterns. I started with Tapping on the issues, journaling about the history and the present cycle of repeating behaviour.
Self hypnosis, internal dialogue. all of it kicks off the process of undoing and allowing me to step forward and say, ‘This isn’t working for me. Here’s what I need.’
Simple right? And yet so hard to say when you’re choked with emotion and habits that make you feel afraid to say those words.
The fact is, prior to today, I wouldn’t even have been able to put my feelings into words. I just knew I’d reached the end of my tether, but I didn’t understand the underlying dynamic. Now, thank heavens I do.
I want you to explore how you feel about asking for your needs to be met. Have you even allowed yourself to feel that you have needs? Selfish? Who fucking says so?
We all have needs and desires and we are all allowed to express them openly and honestly. And yet we’re made to feel shame and guilt, especially women over having our own needs and desires.
- The need for time to ourselves.
- The need to be appreciated.
- The need to be taken into consideration
- The need for other people to take care so their actions don’t impact our health and wellbeing
- The need to be loved
- The need for independence
- The need for financial security
- The need for happiness
- The need for sunshine
- The need for laughter
- The need for authenticity
- The need to have choices
- The need for autonomy
- The need to matter
I could go on but you get the idea. What are the most imperative needs you feel right now? How are your needs being met?
In fact I found this list of human needs – wow – how many are you expressing? https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
Are you allowing yourself to feel your needs? To ask for them to be met?
If not, what’s stopping you? Is it guilt? Childhood beliefs? Do you think you’re not allowed to have needs?
Maybe you’re allowed to have some but not others?
This is the joy of self exploration, finding out what’s going on in your mind and deciding whether to keep it or change it. Is it useful? Keep it. If its not beneficial, then discard, delete or update it.
Give yourself permission. You are allowed. I said so 🙂
PS. Needs, desires, wants – you have them. But are you fulfilling your life’s dreams? If not, then you know what’s holding you back – you. How you think, what you believe, the mindset you’ve adopted as your way of being in this world.
Change it faster with HypnoTherapyCoaching. And start allowing all the things you want in. The attached page is written for men but this process is proven with women too. Check it out and sign up for a ConsultCall. That will get you started on your path to healing and freedom.